What a handsome devil I am!  I’ve always taken pride in my ability to look good.  Something Bill Schmalfeldt would never know or understand.

Anyway, it appears Bill found me after searching really hard (*yawn*) and now, he has made some “demands”.

(Oh, and I heard Ossof lost in the Georgia seat.  Do you have the sadz?)

First things first, I wish to make it known that I’m not fat.   This makes Bill mad when he can’t make fun of fat people like himself.  Oh, and yes I lift, I do P90X, Insanity and have some other skills, I won’t mention.  Not bad for 51, eh Bill?

Just throwing that out there.

Secondly, let’s talk about the podcast.  For a guy with a broadcast background, he sure has a lot of problems running a radio station that is operated from a website.   Hey, do you need a tech guy?  My rates are $125.00 an hour.  I freelance on the side.  Let me know, toots!

So in the podcast…

Bill wants to have sex with me.  Gross.  Now he’s going to spank to my shirtless pic.  Yuck. I’m thinking he’s gay since he seems attracted to me.  What would a reasonable person think? (A little foreshadowing going on.)

He seems to gloat about this idea he came up with to capture someone.   In other words, he admitted to malicious intent and malice.  (Notice the word “con” used here.. ok, let’s go with that.)

(I didn’t redact his phone number here because he said it on the podcast. Everyone should call him, you know, just to say “Hi Bill!”)

By itself, malice and malicious intent means nothing, until something happens.

So what kinds of things could happen?  Bill tells us in the podcast:

“I’m going to explain, to Marvin J Rodriguez, MJ, the Sonoran Conservative, how he can keep his house, how he can keep his Rule 5 beautiful wife happy.  It all depends, Marvin, on who you love the most.

Do you love your wife?  If you are, in fact, actually married.  Do you love your children? Do you love your home? Do you love your lifestyle? Do you love your job?  You can keep all that.

Or do you love WJJ Hoge, III? Do you love Sarah Palmer? Do you love Eric Johnson?  Do you love George Howell?  Do you love the other assorted mouth breathing, drooling, pinheads that you’ve been associating with?  And do you love them more than your wife, your children, your job and your financial security.

I put that question to you, Marvin John Rodriguez, and I’ll tell you what you can do to secure your future happiness.”

Now, I’m not a lawyer, but my attorney is.  I’ve asked him specific questions about these kinds of statements Bill makes when he believes he’s in a position of power.  And during our discussion, he said words to the effect,  “Would a reasonable person interpret this as a threat?”  I won’t go into more legal details because I have yet to show him this, but this appears to be significant from our discussion.

Here’s where it gets better:

“Marvin John Rodriguez.  I don’t want you.  I want you to shut the fuck up, as far as I’m concerned, as far as Di is concerned, as far as my personal life is concerned.

I never want to see another comment, another tweet, from you, ok? [Ed. Note: I made comments and tweets before I got to this part.. oops]

That’ll get us off to a good start.”

Well, I guess I screwed the pooch there… OH, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO???

Let’s talk about this so I’m clear.  I have to be quiet.  I have to not make another comment about his personal life, even if he shares it on the internet and with others.  He often shares it on his blog.  He has a comments section.  Am I not allowed to share my thoughts there?  NO!  And not only that, I cannot comment about him ANYWHERE on the internet.  Did I get that right?  Is that your demand, Mr. Bill?  I cannot talk about you ever again on the internet forever and ever?

If I obey, I get to keep my house, my kids, my job and my rule 5 wife. Got it.

BUT WAIT!  There’s MOAR!!!

“Secondly, I’m going to ask you to be a witness against Hoge, against Palmer, against Johnson, and against Howell.   I want to get a deposition recorded with you in which you tell me everything [doom clock music – ok, it wasn’t in the podcast, but I heard it in my head.]

Your entire connection with this Hoge gang and why you have chosen to take all this shit out on me.  I want you to apologize for claiming that I’m faking my Parkinson’s disease.  I want you to apologize for every defamatory thing you’ve ever said about me, my late wife, and my beautiful (*gagging noises) fiance, Lady Di.

If you will do all that, and I need to hear from you, by the end of this week.  You have my number, you have my email address, you have my twitter account,  843-429-0581.”

Just to be clear, for all my reasonable readers.  If I do these things, I can keep my house, my job, my wife, my kids and my future?  Is that what you’re saying?  Because that’s how I, and some other reasonable people might interpret this, you know, like the FBI internet crimes unit.

I haven’t talked with the Myrtle Beach Police Department yet, but I will call tomorrow and ask:  Can Bill tell me I have to do these things or I lose my wife, job, house, lifestyle on the internet?  I wonder what the hotel manager would think if he knew his internet was being used for extortion across state lines?

Also, I want to do the deposition in person, in Myrtle Beach.  I’m not doing skype or other “over the internet” thing because you suck at the internet (see above for a great IT guy to help.  Also, do you know Patrick Grady?  Oh wait, he might not be available to help.)  I don’t want my words and expressions mangled and I want my pretty face to be captured when I make these deep emotional statements against these people.

I expect you will want to dance while I’m being turncoat so make sure you rent a very large room. I don’t want you bumping into me, you homo! (You’re the one that wanted to have sex with me!  It’s right there in the podcast!)

To do this, I will need you to have the court issue me a summons for a deposition.  You will also need to get me a plane ticket, a nice hotel room (not that thing you stay in) and need my meals and transportation covered.  It is important that I be well rested and treated nicely for when I give my deposition.  I have a few suits so that’s covered.

I’m assuming you mean this for Hoge’s case where you are heading to trial for defamatory posts and a settlement agreement breach?  I remember when you said this was going to get dismissed, like a half dozen times.  Did something go unforeseen?

I’m not sure this is going to happen for your case though.  Call it a hunch (and history.)

Ok, anything else?  Oh God, he’s not finished yet..

“I agree with Lady Di.  You don’t have a hair on your ass.  You will sit tight and hope this shit all blows over .. or.. one of these scumbags, Hoge, Grady, Palmer, Johnson, Howell comes to your rescue.  They give a fuck about you.  About your house. About your job.  About your wife and kids.  If such exists.  I’m going to give you to the end of this week to respond to me.

I wouldn’t expect them to do anything.  Hey, guys?  In all the times we’ve shared together, have I asked any of you whether I need you to take care of my house, job, wife or kids?  No?  Ok.  Well, you’re off the hook, according to Schmalfeldt.

Also, Bill, before I forget, does Lady Di know she is also participating in this plot?  Just thought I’d ask since she seems to be so gleeful when you make these statements.  I’m guessing she’s consenting to being an accomplice.

Then, next week,  I’m going to research the times you filed your defamatory comments on the various blogs, determine whether they were done during work hours, and then I’ll notify your employer.  And they can either fire you or be sued.”

Huh, so there it is.  A reasonable person might conclude that he is going to attempt to have me fired from my job if I do not agree to his demands.  Is that extortion, perhaps? Bill?  Could anyone reasonably think that you saying to the world, on the internet, in your own voice, that you are going to attempt to have me fired from my job if I do not meet your demands as stated above?  Think clearly about this before you answer.

I mean, it’s one thing to suggest that he’s just going to sue, but he’s actually going to tell my employer they have a choice and it’s either him or me.  From a deadbeat, unqualified guy in a South Carolina motel.  I don’t think he can do my job, and I’m pretty sure he’s missing one small detail:

He’ll have to prove that I used company computers in order to add my work to the complaint. They will be dismissed rather quickly if Bill has no evidence.

Oh, don’t worry Bill, I will provide them with all the evidence I did not use company resources and at no time, did I ever NOT do my job.  Date and time of a post is not enough.

You’ll have to prove it came from one of their computers and that I was supposed to be working at that time.  Since you don’t know my job, are you going to assume you know my work hours?

Oh, and um.. legal fees can be awarded to defendants if the plaintiff is shown to have a frivolous case.  My company probably has a very expensive legal team.. f.. y.. i.. but yeah I mean they probably know how to collect money (assuming Hoge doesn’t take all of it.)

I think we’ve covered everything.

Shoes on the other foot now.  I may be fat, but I’ve got all the cards (in a motel room in South Carolina)

You do huh?    Well, just so you know, I’ve had the podcast downloaded and just need it transcribed and certified.  Shouldn’t take more than a couple days.

So back to your question.  You need an answer by the end of the week?

I say, set your doom clocks to go off on Friday, 5 pm Pacific Time.  I should be done with all my errands by that time.  You will have my answer.  Watch this blog.